My wife is the most fiendishly clever woman I've ever known. A few years ago, in a moment of whimsy, she suggested that we start our own private firm called "CPR"--or "Catastrophic Public Relations". We would specialize in reviving the apparently dead careers of celebrities and politicians after disasters; getting Paris Hilton out of jail, getting Larry Craig re-elected, or OJ Simpson a new film contract.

Whether or not you believe that John Edwards is the father of a love child or whether or not it is a story or a "non-story", of one thing we can all be certain. Somewhere a group of real-life PR experts are huddled with Mr and Mrs Edwards desperately trying to come up with a public response to the non-situation. I say make some lemonade out of all this--but don't wait too long to squeeze it. I say you couldn't do better than to sell the Edwards' on something like the following statement, one that my wife and I have lovingly crafted together:

"Hi, I'm John Edwards.

As many of you must know by now, I have been accused in the pages of the National Enquirer of being the father of the infant child of Ms Rielle Hunter and that I have denied this charge. Well, nothing could possibly be further from the truth. I come here before you tonight to proclaim the real truth--I proudly and joyously affirm that I am indeed the father of Frances Quinn Hunter. I don't deny it at all. I think anyone who has seen the photos of me and baby Frances--taken without our knowledge or consent-- on the Internet or flipped through them in the supermarket checkout line can see how thrilled and happy and filled with love I am just to hold her in my arms. Now I know a lot of you must surely have questions about my relationship with her mother, Ms Hunter, and maybe many of you who have stood shoulder to shoulder with me during our political work together over the past few years might be feeling pretty hurt and betrayed by this news. I understand this--and I ask you to forgive me. I ask you to take just a minute of your time and understand how this whole thing came to be. And I have a feeling that once you do, you will see that this is not a tragedy at all but a gift from God.

As you must surely know, my beloved wife Elizabeth has suffered for some time from cancer. Over the years, both the effects of this terrible and painful disease in addition to the treatments for it have made it more and more impossible for us to enjoy, as a couple, the marital intimacy that every couple in America enjoys and has a right to expect. I guess all of you know exactly what I'm talking about here. Naturally, when illness strikes over a long period of time, it strikes both of you, and you face it together as a couple--and such things as carnal relations become very trivial by comparison. You just put it out of your mind and go on living your life as best you can for the sake of your family, for your friends, and in our particular case, for the sake of a cause we both passionately believe in--that of our fellow-Americans. But some time ago, Elizabeth, knowing in her great courage and compassion that she would not be getting better and recognizing that I as a man was prey to the same sort of loneliness and temptations on the campaign trail that any other man would feel, decided to do something about it. She encouraged Ms Hunter and me to become close, feeling that the companionship and support of her friend would help me during the long and tough trials ahead. This was an act of incredible selfless generosity on her part, and one that I can only describe as that of a kind of saint. Problem was, and I'm kind of embarrassed to say this, no other woman could replace her in my heart--and Ms Hunter realized this about me almost instantly. She, too, is a remarkable, wise, and brilliant woman, and I treasure the hours I was privileged to spend in her company.

However, as the result of our brief encounter, a child was created. We didn't ask for it, we didn't plan it--but once it happened, I felt that I, as a man, ought to do nothing to interfere with Ms Hunter's right as a woman to choose. Whatever her decision, she knew she could make it with the fullest support of both me and Elizabeth. Much to my delight, as a devout Christian, she chose to give birth to this new miracle in my life, Frances Quinn...

Please forgive me, I'm a little emotional here.

I fully realize that a lot of people are going to be wondering about my political future right now. All I can say to them is, well, to tell you the truth, that's kind of been the last thing on my mind at the moment. I guess you could say I'm sort of in the wilderness now, and will have to put in my forty days and nights out there. And I accept that. I realize that this situation looks pretty darned unconventional to a lot of you folks. But I just want to emphasize that no laws or rules or even commandments have been broken here--if we have erred or sinned, well I guess it goes to show that we are human. Just like everybody else. But throughout this whole time I have been guided by the wisdom and the wishes of the two very strong women in my life. It may well be that my days of public service are over for now. But you can bet one thing for sure--neither I nor Elizabeth will stop doing everything in our power to work for you and for this great country of ours. And I have a feeling that someday soon you'll want to rejoin me in working together for an America we can all believe in, an America that you can be proud to bequeath to your own kids--like I will to my own new darling baby Frances.

And that's really all I have to say. Thank you."

Heck, considering his political standing right now, if I were John Edwards I would give a speech like this even if I weren't the father of the child.

--